I woke up this morning not feeling on top of my game. Kai has had his feet firmly planted in my ribs for the last few weeks, making sleeping, walking, eating and moving in general a bit painful. I'm possibly fighting off the beginning of the cold that Ben's been fighting for a week. The maternity clothes I bought early in my pregnancy are getting so uncomfortable and tight (with 9 weeks left to go) that by the end of the day I would give up limbs in order to have sweatpants on.
This morning I woke up in a bad emotional and physical space. Stuffed up, slight sore throat and exhausted and decided to call in sick for the first time since I got pregnant.
I slept in later than usual and then picked up my blackberry to break the news to my boss. That's when I saw the e-mail from a co-worker requesting meeting coverage for the day because she was home with a sick kid. First meeting at 8:00. It was 6:45 and I have a 45 minute commute to work, not to mention a 10 minute walk from the parking lot to my office. I'm not exactly fast these days.
The quickest shower and blow dry later I throw on some uncomfortable clothes and hit the door knowing I'm barely going to make the 8:00. As I'm backing out of the driveway my gas light starts flashing and I realize I have to stop. Zip into the gas station, pay at the pump broken, run inside in pouring rain to pay. Another 10 minutes behind. I didn't make the 8:00.
I did however finally arrive safely at work for the busiest day ever. Multiple meetings to cover for someone else as well as my own work (plus one shattered water bottle later) and it was 2:00 when I realized I hadn't yet fed or hydrated myself and by extension the baby. Bummed a granola bar from my boss and I hit the door at 4:00 Had my 45 minute commute turn into an hour and a half to due torrential rain. I finally arrived home at 5:30 feeling like I'd failed at life; not taking care of my body and baby, my own duties at work not quite met, a sick, neglected husband at home along with two bored and ignored dogs. I ordered Thai takeout and then started whining to sick Ben about how uncomfortable I am, I hadn't even gotten to the part about feeling like I"m doing a poor job of carrying our baby when Ben's phone rang.
Our dear friend Jesse was calling to see if we were almost to our birthing class. It was 7:00 pm. Birthing class was at 6:30. We forgot about birthing class.
Emotional breakdown ensues. So here I am, at 7:30 pm on a Thursday night, crying over my keyboard and feeling like a failure. Worst. Mom to be. Ever. I have to wonder if I can't manage being pregnant, work, household responsibilities (my house is a pig sty and I haven't cooked a real meal in weeks) and a few miscellaneous commitments, how am I going to manage those same things and being a mom?
I thought writing it down might make me feel better. It didn't. But at least I got to give myself a little pity party.
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what i want to say is this--the example of your day is an incredible preparation for motherhood. (ha, at least in my experience!) you're going to be amazing. you already are. for sure. (i just found your blog link from mr.ben on facebook--take care sister! keep venting!)
ReplyDeleteHey Erin,
ReplyDeleteThis is Jessie (over at Posies). I just read this blog post and totally felt for you... not only because it is so hard to ever feel like a failure, but because I've come to realize that having children is just the beginning of feeling almost constant guilt and sense of failure. It's not right, but I want you to know that every mother I know goes through it. Fathers typically less so (so lucky), but still to some degree.
When Anouk was little, she was pretty fussy, and I was constantly walking the streets holding her in the middle of the night (I even wrote a blog post about it on the Posies site about Mother's Day)... and if that wasn't hard enough, over time Jonathan started feeling neglected, the house was NEVER clean, and I just set the expectation that I couldn't cook right now. I was starting to lose my mind because it felt like everyone wanted to be near me all the time, and all I wanted was to be by myself for five minutes with no one touching me.
Three years later, I still feel guilty about almost everything (I tell people I'm taking myself out of the Mother of the Year running this year), but have had to come to grips with the fact that the stuff I'm worried about is rarely, if ever, the stuff Jonathan and Anouk are worried about. They don't care if the house is messy, or if dinner is takeout. They just want to see me happy, and want some real time with me - even if that's just reading stories or watching a movie together. So I've had to maybe not lower, but change, my expectations... of myself.
You'll be great, and as long as you secretly know you're a great mother, you can say out loud you're the worst. We all know what you mean...
xo,
Jessie
I find that accepting that life isn't perfect, and you will feel like you didn't live up to perfection, is going to make things a lot better. Every once in a while I think boy is it good that I am not on a reality show because everyone would have seen my--- fill in the blank for that day---mistake!
ReplyDeleteNow that you know you are going to feel that way, to keep things under control, get organized in every way possible. Extra food in the freezer, all things written on a calendar, get rid of anything cluttering your life, do things ahead of time whenever possible.
Hang in there!
G
I feel so bad right now! I just want to be there and help in all the ways that you need. I can clean and cook and walk dogs! Sorry, Ben is yours! But, just remember that it is only one day and tomorrow or the day after maybe won't be so bad. I am so excited to get to come when Kai is born and then I can do all the things that haven't gotten done (clean, cook extra food for the freezer, etc.) and still get my nights with Kai to bond 'cuz that's what I do. Hopefully I will leave you and Ben rested and ready to tackle days(and nights) as the greatest parents you can be! I have faith in you. Love you, Mom
ReplyDeleteI'll bring a lasagna by this week. Thanks for supplying health insurance for Ben and growing our best nephew. You're my favorite.
ReplyDeleteSomeone once told me:
Parenting is one of the most humbling experiences on earth.
Hell to the yes.
Welcome to the club:)
Whatever you need--name it.
xxoo
hi erin,
ReplyDeleteit's michelle. jess told me about your blog and i wanted to let you know i stopped by. no question this is the post i had to comment on!
here are my two cents: it's hard enough to be a perfectionist but then when you add incubator and mother on top of worker and wife you are going to have days that you feel like you come up (way) short. i have them on a very regular basis. reading posts like this reminds me that we are all too hard on ourselves. weird that it's easy for me to see that in you and your post and yet i continually beat myself up over not doing a good enough job.
my wise husband tries to give me perspective and i know ben will do the same for you. last week joe gave me this quote: "you can't wring your hands and roll up your sleeves at the same time." for me that meant to spend less time worrying about how i fall short and do one thing about it. in your current station, that means take care of yourself (but not beat yourself up when you are too busy being a good worker to be a perfect incubator): have a drink of water and take a nap. i hope you are doing that this weekend.
you are going to be an awesome mom and the more forgiving you are of yourself, the awesomer you'll be!! :-)
hugs,
michelle
Thanks all for the kind words. They were much needed!
ReplyDeleteI definitely have good days (crib set up, bedding on, nursery starting to come together) and bad days (5 days until Christmas and I realize I forgot to buy and send cards) but I know once Kai is here the good days will more than make up for the bad ones. :)